Throwback snapshot to summer, when life was warmer & a little more frivolous.
2016 - another year launches itself at us in a less than delicate manner, I have no idea where the time is flying by to, but it appears to have little desire to hang around, mores the pity! I didn't want to return here after a rather heinous hiatus (low moods, sofa surfing for nearly 70 days, panicking over becoming 30, a brand new niece, 2 jobs . . .) in a cliche BOOM new year, new me, new blog dedication manner because that is not me & it felt like I was setting myself up to fail, on top of which, who really has the brain capacity (or hydration) on 1st January to sit down, create lists & actively pursue whatever they want that year ahead to hold? I for one did not. Instead I wanted to genuinely consider what I wanted & more how. That brings me to this entry & this blogging space once more.
The reality is new years apparently mean change, rarely do people keep to that but sometimes changes are good & are kept to & I knew I gave the motivators & aims for this year a lot of thought because I've just recently turned 30, an age that scared (& scares) the shit out of me, but that makes me think "bollocks to it!' This year, this year of 30, it's going to be a good year, it has to be & I want to make it so. But the question is how? That is what my aims & dare I say it resolutions are based around (naturally, categorised, in lists, colour coded & often with sub headings) & they all came about with a cup of coffee, a cigarette & whilst sitting cross legged in a field answering these questions:
What do I want?
Who do I want to be?
How do I want to end the year?
What's actually important to me?
The brief answers to those questions are;
I want to learn constantly; to never waste my brain, to change & embrace the changes. To be braver in me & in what matters to me. I want to laugh & mean it, make mistakes, fall in lust & in love & in lust & love again. I want be frivolous; play pooh sticks, ride a unicycle, wear dark lipstick shades because I like them & have that one glass of gin too many.
I want to make those I love proud of me & in turn be proud of myself. I want to make 30, the year of being 30, a year to always remember, make it a good year, with good people, with extra tattoos & kisses in the rain.
I want to be a person I can be proud of, that's the person I want to create. One who does what she loves, does things for herself, not always for others or to please others but because it makes her happy. Who doesn't cut her hair because others tell her to, or doesn't wear something she loves because someone else doesn't like it. I want to keep the people that matter, that are good for me, that actually love me & move on from the hurt & the realities of the people that don't.
A person that is happy to be the demented bohemian she is. To follow passions & have debates, to create pointless doodles & artistic mess because it makes her happy, I want to finally work towards the qualifications I want to achieve & learn languages & not let others judgements unnerve & rattle me so easily. Because the reality is those who love me, are meant to love me, or be in my life won't want to unnerve or make me doubt myself.
For the end the year of 2016 to be one I can look back on with a smile, an abundance of memories, lessons learnt, mistakes made (& possibly enjoyed making), too many pairs of matching undies bought & guilty pleasures indulged in. For it to be a year that ends & I'm sad it's ending but also thrilled to have had. That is how I want 2016 to end.
And the question of what's important to me? Lots of things, things yet to be discovered, things hidden or dormant, but things others will consider not important, but that is in their lives, not mine. Important to me right now? Making a me I'm proud of, the one I want to be, am meant to be, & creating a year filled with finding that person, indulging in her & learning constantly about what makes her tick & where her place is, because maybe the year you turn 30 is a good year to do that.
A good year to find your place.